Online Dating Guide for Men: Part One By Dave

The Rules: A Guide For Men - Part I

You know, maybe you guys will think this arrogant, but I gotta tell ya, now and again I talk to a gal here, and it seems there needs to be a clearing of the air. Some rules...basic 'do's' and 'do nots' that you can use as a little guide. So, as a public service, I thought I'd write a few down. Now, trust me, I am pretty well certain that 95% of women here will agree with 95% of the rules. Not a bad stat, huh? Ladies, if you're in agreement, please back me up on these...I don't think I'm really reaching here, from what I've heard. Oh, and this is just a first kick at the can, so to speak. I'll try to come up with follow-ups as needed.

The Rules:

1. Sending pictures of your c*ck to gals on the site. I debated whether or not I should work up to this rule with a few minor ones, you know, kind of like a warm-up to the main event, but the fact is that there are simply too many of you guys deciding that a glossy, close-up of your meat-pole is one of those time honoured flagships of courtship. It ain't. In case I'm being a little vague, let me rephrase that. Chicks don't want you sending them pictures of your willy. They just don't. I promise. Trust me, as enamoured as you might be with the sight of your little putz, the vast majority of women are not, and here's the thing. It may be that there are a few women that really DO want to see grainy, web-cam photos of the male member, from random samples that the gender has to offer. These women have this cool thing called "google" and if they go to the image area and type in "Morons and their schlongs" they can find all the pictures of guys like you that they could ever want. Seriously. Check the interests in the site and look for how many women have put "uninvited d!ck shots" in there. Found any? There's a reason.

Okay, now we've got past the big one, fellas, and now we're going to go on some minor rules. These are not, by any means 100% certain, but I'm betting you will do well to at least give 'em a try. Still reading? For the probably 40-50% of you who are functionally illiterate (trust me, I'm basing this on anecdotal evidence from females on this site, that's a pretty good estimate) and have a 'spotter' reading for you, make sure they're reading slowly.

2. Pull back on the relationship throttle and ease off the commitment buttons...You've talked to someone a couple of times on line, maybe even managed to beg or extort a woman into actually meeting you for coffee...or have her on the phone after a week or so...don't go suggesting you love them, or want to move in together or for chr!ssakes, want to get married.. Women have a word for that type of clingy, over the top, needy type. It's called...'weirdo'. You see, at this point, she knows you approximately as well as she does the guy who sits four seats ahead of her on the bus most days as she commutes to work, and even if you are certain that she is Cleopatra to your Mark Anthony (note to spotters: explain this is a historical reference and just means that you really dig the chick)...she isn't. You're gonna freak her out. If you want to marry her after talking for two weeks...it means you should wait 2 years before you propose. Seriously. If you want to marry her after talking for one week...you should wait 20 years.

3. Pictures of you flexing half naked. Two words. Independent editor. Some of you guys have a six pack down there that anyone would want to see...hell, I would want to see...but most of you? It's nothing special. So, before you flash that pic of you doing your Hulk imitation in your boxers and not much else, do the ladies a favour and ask a trusted confidante "is this a particularly attractive midriff?" because unless they say, 'f*ck yeah' you're advertising you are vain about a body part you have no business in being vain about. Tee shirt. Trust me.

4. Your occupation. Don't put down that you're a spy. Just don't. Don't leave it blank and at the first conversation make strange hints that you can't talk about your job...and then tell her, in confidence, that you're really an agent with the CIA, FBI or NSA. Here's why. Guys think that's cool...it's like playing cowboys and indians or something...you're a boy, and you are attracted to the idea of pretending you're a big, mysterious, super-spy international agent. Women? They think "F*ck, this means he'll probably be working a lot of weekends." And in the event that you two DO hit it off and walk off into the sunset...yeah, she's thinking "I'm getting stuck with most of the diaper duties and all the times the kids wake up in the night". You see, that's a boy's fantasy for a job. You want to impress a woman with a lie about your work? Tell her you're a chef or an extremely well paid housecleaner (and that you LOVE your work). Oh, and I wouldn't mention this rule unless I had heard about it actually happening...don't put your occupation as 'model' with an obviously pro picture lifted from any magazine site and THEN tell them you 'moonlight for the FBI'. First off, FBI agents don't have second jobs in a business that will have their faces postered everywhere. Secondly, they don't blow their cover on online dating sites.

5. I know, I know...the profile is meant to give you an opportunity to describe yourself and you want to tell 'em how smart you are. You should. It's a good idea. But please...it is spelled "Intelligent". Not..."intellegent". I mention this because the first time I saw it, I chalked it up to chance...the second time an odd coincidence and the third...a very disturbing trend. Listen, I know, typos are part of the online reality, and I give 'em as much slack as anyone, but on THIS ...well, it's kind of important, if you are saying you're intelligent, to at least be able to prove this by spelling the word correctly. If it's too hard to remember, just say you're "smart". It's easier to spell. As an aside, it's easier if you just show them you're smart, rather than say you are and then explain you're sensitive and looking for that special someone by listing your interests as "beer, cars and sex". Oh, and also, if you're saying you're funny...be funny...if you're 'into readin' (and yes, I've seen it put that way), list some of the books you've recently read...even if they are picture books and even if you aren't sure if that makes you sound dorky (it doesn't). Reading was considered 'dorky' my cute girls in grade four, and while that's the reading level many of you guys are still struggling with, most girls aren't going to think less of you because you say you love reading John Irving.

6. If you are older than 19. The letter 'z' is not used, generally speaking, to pluralize words. Don't do that. For those of you who are 18 years old and believe that this rule does not apply to you, I meant 19 months.

7. I know I've mentioned no c*ck shots. Just wanted to reiterate. Don't.

8. Women who list 'sex' in their interests do not mean 'sex with you' or 'sex with every jag off who messages me' or 'I'm easy'. Men who list 'sex' in their interests are wasting their time. Women are all assuming we are interested in that. Unless you list Catholic Priest as an occupation, but given what I've been reading in the news, even that's no guarantee.

9. Women couldn't give a sh!t how much you bench press...how many beers you drank last weekend...what you plan to fix on your car/ATV/lawnmower this weekend...or why your softball team didn't win the game last night. Seriously. They don't. You're intellegent...think of something ELSE to talk about.

10. If you actually like something a girl said in her profile...or if her picture really caught your eye...do not send her a message that starts with or solely consists of "Hey baby", or "You sexy", and I can't actually believe I'm having to say this but anecdotal evidence sometimes speaks volumes..."wanna f*ck?" Try out 'Hi, I just wanted to say hello, and let you know I really enjoyed your profile" or "I'm * and wanted to see if you'd mind talking sometime" or "I read the rules, and I promise no c*ck shots and no marriage proposals...but how about talking?" Trust me. It takes about twenty seconds more and makes a HUGE difference. Oh, and while we're at it, if you just send messages to hundreds of women at a time and are actually typing out 'hey baby' to all of them...save yourself the time, it's called 'cut and paste' you f*cking moron.

There. Ten quick rules...none of them seem that arduous, and if you're a guy sitting there and thinking "well, d'uh...", that's fine...it's not about you. But you'd be surprised... I know more than a few women here will attest to the fact that if every guy followed the above rules, their experiences would be a lot more positive...so we're sort of clearing the air.

Remember...if a woman wants to see a picture of your d!ck, she'll ask. If she wants to move in with you, she'll mention at least that she hates living alone. You're probably NOT as cut as you think you are. Boys think playing 'spy' is cool...girls don't. Intelligent is spelled with an 'I' to start and another 'i' is hidden in the middle. You're not into 'carz' or drinking a ton of 'beerz' this weekend. Cars. Beers. Even if you CAN spell it right, don't talk about cars or beers or bench pressing or your softball team...and they know you like sex. Promise. "Hey baby" is not a message, it's the digital equivalent of honking your horn at a girl walking along the street.

And put your web cam away and your d!ck in your pants, because it's not impressing anyone.

About the Author

Dave is a contributing writer at Online Dating Advice.

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